“How to Care for Aging Parents” by Virginia Morris was my “Bible” while I was the primary caregiver for my aging mother. In her book, the author recognizes the challenge we each face as caregivers: that the role we find ourselves in came as a surprise! She notes that “even when events begin to unfold, and the reality of the situation becomes apparent, most of us still look the other way, hoping that perhaps things will take care of themselves, that Dad will be all right and our services will not be needed. As a result, most people find themselves reacting to each crisis only as it arises” (2004, p. 1).
Conversely, a proactive approach in learning our loved one’s wishes prior to when things become for difficult for them to handle will replace stress and anxiety with peace of mind. The following guidelines can help us in our conversations with our loved ones:
- Pick a time to discuss your parent’s health, finances, or other matters when you won’t be interrupted, and when you and your parent (and siblings) are calm and rested.
- Listen carefully, even when you have firm convictions about what should be done. You may have ideas about where your mother should live or how she should handle her finances, but it’s important to listen now. Be open-minded and make a point of really hearing what she says, then let her know that you hear her.
- Keep the discussion focused on your parent’s concerns, at least at the start. You may worry about who is going to take care of him once his Parkinson’s disease gets worse, but he may be frightened about becoming helpless, losing people’s respect, or becoming a burden. Give him ample room to express his thoughts, for these are crucial issues that need your undivided attention.
- Whenever possible, phrase your concerns as questions, letter your parent draw conclusions and make choices. Ask what she thinks should be done rather than telling her what should be done.
- Be open and clear with the facts—a poor medical prognosis, a major financial hurdle, a less-than-optimal selection of housing options. Be gentle, but don’t lie or hide information to protect your parent. Misinformation, lack of information, and half-truths will only hurt him in the long run.
- End each discussion before you or your parent becomes tired or overwhelmed.
- Leave the conversation open. One discussion breaks the ice, but these topics need to be revisited again and again.
- If your parent changes the subject or makes it clear that she doesn’t want to talk about something, let her know you are concerned and then back off and try again another time.
(How to Care for Aging Parents by Virginia Morris, 2004, p. 4)
